Termie Termie

Termie is being so sweet to me today. This Thursday now sucks a little less. And no, I did not move off that sofa all day.

Fuck Thursdays

That is all.

Pictures

I'm tired and not feeling great, but here are some pics from Rachel's scarf party.


That blue hat left lots of fuzz on my head. =P

Ramble

Well, since I'm up and not tired yet (I crashed earlier, silly me) I guess I'll do some rambling. I've developed a recent obsession with nail polish. Chemo is supposed to make your nails start to look funky, and mine have started getting weaker, so I figure I'd try to use clear nail polish kinda like nail glue to keep em together. So that was all good and dandy, but I decided, hey, if I'm going to go through the effort of putting this stuff on, I may as well get the colored stuff. I'm very proud of my fingers and toes, I think it looks very cute, and even Fritz agrees.

Strange thing with Fritz agreeing to stuff. It used to be that I'd always want to go out and do something, dog park, movies, whatever, all the time. I never wanted to just sit around at home. Fritz, being even more of a lump than I am, would eventually get tired and grumpy that I just couldn't sit still. Well, I'd been doing a lot of that not sitting still the last few days, and I was completely puzzled as to why Fritz was actually smiling that I was bugging the crap out him. I mean, he happily put his dishes away and gave the animals more water when I nagged him about it! It seems it's been a very long time since I've done that. Fritz says I've pretty much just been a slug since fall, and he's really happy that I'm getting back to my old self. And then I realized that I can't remember the last time I scratched myself that wasn't the result of a bug or something tickling my skin! So even though my bad weeks seem to be getting worse, I'm acting more and more normal on my good weeks. The chemo's working! I'll be getting a PET scan after my 8th round of chemo (getting round 6 on Friday), so I'm feeling a bit less nervous about it since I've realized my cancer symptoms have definitely been decreasing. Just a little side note here about the itching. It had gotten so bad at the beginning of this year, that I was suffering sitting in class trying not to scratch continuously. It was particularly bad when it happened to be my boobs that were itchy. Not really an area I can scratch in class. =P

Ooh, so, today I decided to spoil myself a bit. I got an iPod nano last year for free with my laptop. It was my third iPod, every single one of them was free for one reason or another. Just a week after I got that free one, the new nanos came out. You know, the ones with the aluminum casing that come in pretty colors. Blah, I was pissed. I really liked the aluminum casing on the iPod minis and was disappointed that my nano was mostly plastic. Well, today I decided to finally go ahead and buy my very first iPod. I got me a bright pink nano, it has twice the memory of my old nano and so can hold almost all my music. I am very content. Now I must find a home for the old nano (my father and father-in-law each have one of my old minis).

I still have to get Rachel's pot back to her! Somehow the timing just never works out. It's sitting all clean and shiny on my kitchen counter. I have to say, though, Rachel is pretty lucky. She has so many friends around her all the time. I know I have an awesome family, but since they're all far away most of the time, I feel pretty alone. Fritz, of course, is wonderful, but I still wish I had some friends. I had some people I hung out with on campus and somewhat outside of school, but since getting cancer it seems no one is really around anymore. Alex is a great friend, but he doesn't live nearby (and right now he's stuck in Ohio for 6 weeks) and Phil has disappeared into the black hole that is World of Warcraft. So other than that, I really don't have anyone to talk to. I think that's why I like this blog so much. The only people other than Fritz and Alex that I talk to are simply not close enough for me talk to about this crap. And I don't think they want to hear it anyway. Honestly, it's the hardest part of all this.

Top 10

Top 10 Reasons Being Bald Rocks

10. Topless tanning.
9. No hair in your soup. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
8. No haircuts, no shampoo, no styling - can you say low-maintenance?
7. No lice. Ewww.
6. When on the run from the police, you can hide out in the melon section of the grocery store.
5. Magic Marker skull tattoos.
4. On really hot nights, a cool satin pillowcase is better than sex. Like you're getting any.
3. Low maintenance = more time on your hands = higher blood counts (Yeah, you know what I mean!)
2. You can join the Bald Hall of Fame.
1. Aerodynamics, baby!

Top 10 Pick-up Lines for Cancer Patients

10. A night with me is better than chemo.
9. Is there Heparin running through my veins or is it hot in here?
8. I've got a scar shaped like a hickey--How about giving me a real one?
7. What's your diagnosis? I'm a Cancer.
6. It's not just my head that's bald, you know...
5. Is treatment lowering your bbt*? Because you sure are cool. (*basal body temperature)
4. Hey, baby, let's go back to my place and compare scars.
3. You must have lost all your hair, because you are smoooooth!
2. Let's go back to my hospital room: you play doctor, I'll play nurse.
1. Is that a chemo pump in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

BONUS: Cancer personals: "Bald druggie seeks SO for hook-ups, incisions and full body scans. I'm used to getting "special" treatment, but my port is always easy access."

Top 10 Ways to Cut the Cancer Conversation Short

10. Yeah, well, I was getting sick of my haircut so I figured, why not?
9. You should see how many presents I got. It was totally worth it.
8. Chemo is a great way to lose weight.
7. People are a lot nicer when they think you might die.
6. It was a perfect opportunity to get caught up on all my soaps.
5. Yeah it sucked, but look at this bad-ass scar!
4. How else do you think I got into college? They can't turn down a cancer survivor.
3. Now I get to wear this trendy yellow bracelet.
2. I don't really remember it. I was too drunk most of the time.
1. It's okay, I didn't have anything scheduled for that year anyway.

Commercial

Ok, I'm not a Saturn fan, but I absolutely love this commercial. Every time I see it on tv I just feel uplifted. Obviously I'm talking about the first part. =)

Vital Needs

Top 2 things a chemo girl needs: tissues and moisturizer. Somehow chemo makes all the moisture from your skin come pouring out your eyes instead.

Insomnia Part II / Bipolar

Ok, one last comment, then I swear I'll try to get to sleep. Of all the things that cancer has done to me, I'd have to say so far the most impressive is how bipolar it's making me. I just bounce between depressed and really upbeat all the time. Oh man, an animal just farted... That smells terrible... Should I add easily distracted to that as well? Maybe not, it was a really bad smell, no way anyone could ignore that.

Anyways... having stupid mood swings is probably better than just being kinda dead the whole time. It's just so damn annoying.

Edit: Wow, I mood swinged myself in the middle of this post. Twice.

Good Things

Blah, my insomnia post sounds depressing. But there are some good things. I got a new swimsuit this weekend (one piece of course) that actually covers my port. It's very cute. Rachel brought food by. It was really really good and is all gone now. Rachel is Inton's roommate (who is my office mate and who's advisor is married to my advisor, hehe). She was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma about a month and half after I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. I think she might be done with her treatment before me. Anyways, we have the same oncologist (her doctors were sucking, so I recommended mine and evidently she agreed). On Friday I have a pulmonary test and Rachel is getting her second round of chemo, so I figured since I'd be there anyway I'd hang out with her while she sits around getting the drip and see how it is sitting in one of the regular chairs. You know, comfy as those chemo chairs look, the top pillow sticks out quite far and gives me neck cramps. Or maybe I just shouldn't be so fussy, I don't know.

Oh, and the best thing of all, I finally ordered the tank top I'd been thinking of getting. I should get it around June 5, since it has to be made. It will be black with light blue writing on it that says "too sexy for my hair". It shall be reserved for my downer days.

Insomnia

So I'm up. As usual. Chemo continues to cause me to stay up far too late, but lately it's harder because I just can't look forward to getting up in the morning. The nights themselves don't help much either... Once I get to sleep, I'm guaranteed to wake up at least 5 times throughout the night before morning for whatever reason. And each time I have the urge to get up. Then once it actually is time to get up (usually between 11 and noon), I just don't want to do anything. This only happens on my bad week. I'm way too tired to get to campus (even if I could teleport there, I don't think I would), so all I have to look forward to in the day is sitting around by myself. I watch tv, play video games, sit by the pool, read books,... Sounds thrilling, but it really isn't.

I mean, I guess I've always been a bit shy and somewhat reclusive. I've never liked being like that, but it's just how it's been. But now that I have this lovely thing called cancer I feel even more secluded than before. I don't party, don't drink, don't have anything interesting going on... is cancer interesting? Well, I find medical stuff cool, but then, that's just me. Maybe people just don't know how to act around me now and since I always seem pretty upbeat they assume I'm just dandy. I look forward to Fritz coming home on my bad days and hope that he isn't too tired from work. It must be rough on him too, though. We no longer walk home together from campus chatting about class, games, whatever else. Instead, Fritz comes home from work and has to cheer me up. Today we went to Houston's because I hadn't been able to eat all day and suddenly had the urge for a burger. But things don't taste so good anymore to me. It's all somewhat bland now, so I end up trying to eat more thinking the next bite will taste better. I'm thinking I should give up on that otherwise I'll just gain more weight. I know for a fact I'd feel a hell of a lot better if I wasn't 20 pounds heavier than I was last summer. Bastard lymphoma!

Book

So I've been trying to get this damn book for the last month and finally got it yesterday. It's called Bald in the Land of Big Hair and is about a woman living in Texas who is diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (land of big hair cause it's Texas of course).

I'm debating walking to campus today or just reading the book since I'm kinda tired. Started it last night, so far it's shown me that my doctors are awesome and my insurance (though they like to scare me) is really pretty damn good. One of the author's friends had thyroid cancer after the birth of her first child, then after the birth of her second, she noticed a lump in her breast. Her doctors absolutely refused to do a biopsy, telling her she was just paranoid and that it was just a cyst. She battled with them for months before finally getting the biopsy done, though she had to pay for it herself because her insurance deemed it unnecessary and would not pay. She was then diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer, which is pretty much lethal if not detected immediately. Then she had to fight again to get a bone marrow transplant because her insurance said she was too far gone and her probability of survival was not sufficient to justify the expense. So after months of fighting she was finally approved for the procedure, but by then the cancer had gone to her bones and she died soon after.

Fortunately, the book isn't that depressing throughout.

Anyways, I've been having weird eye problems. Yesterday my eyes were all red, burning, and tearing up. I called Dr. Mininberg and he prescribed some eye drops and told me to see someone about it today. But right now my eyes are fine, so I'm a little confused. He thought I had caught some sort of virus, but I'm thinking it might be something in the EAS building. After I left, my eyes got better on their own. I had to go back later because I'd left my ipod, and for the 5 minutes I was in the building I could feel my eyes beginning to dry up again. Maybe they're using some new cleaning solution or something, I have no idea. I'll have to see if it comes back when I go in again. I've never had such a problem before. Was not too much fun sitting at my desk with burning eyes and tears running down my cheeks. Ah well, add it to the acne on my forehead, the weird bumps on my head, the peeling skin on my legs, sores in my mouth (if I forget to chew my gum), nose bleeds, the exhaustion, anxiety, etc etc.

Ah, so I never did write about my insurance scare. I think today I'm finally feeling less miserable. It really left me a nasty shock. Basically, I called up just to check on things (as Jason suggested I do). The woman on the phone, however, didn't bother to actually check my account and gave me very VERY wrong information. So for about an hour I thought I only had $100,000 coverage. My bills have passed that mark already... Needless to say I was completely panicked. I wasn't able to reach Fritz at work. I talked to my parents who said they would take out a mortgage on their house (you know, the one that isn't rebuilt yet after Katrina...) and do whatever was needed to get me through my treatment. It just made me miserable. I can't help but feel like a burden. I mean, I don't really do anything other than be a mess right now. But today I am finally feeling better. And insurance is fine. I have $500,000 coverage which I shouldn't reach anyway. *cheers*

I think I'll go to campus tomorrow, and find a nice big pile of papers online that I'd like to read and print them all out on that lovely color laser printer. Something on Deep Chlorophyll Maxima cause I just find it cool. Then on my bad days next week I'll hang out by the pool and read them all (along with my lovely new book if I haven't finished it by then). My dad said he'd bring me some books too. Oh, and by "hang out by the pool", I mean sit in the shade with 50 spf sunscreen on and make sure that by the end of the summer I'm just as pale as I am now. I burned easily before chemo, but chemo makes it even worse.

I should really paint again. I have one I started ages ago of a giant coconut crab. They're called coconut crabs cause they can actually crack open coconuts with their giant claws. Man, I want one, they're so awesome. But I have a dog, 2 kitties, and an unknown number of hermit crabs, so I think I'm full on animals (that and coconut crabs are kinda endangered). Meh, details. =P

Sad

I could really use more hugs. Lately I spend my time just moping. Right now I'm hoping that I don't have to register for the summer. But have to make sure my insurance won't drop me if I do that.
I'm definitely getting more depressed than I would like. Hopefully it's temporary.