!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M IN REMISSION!! Or something. Maybe it's not remission till I'm done, but either way it's good news! Just talked to Dr. Mininberg this morning (thank you Rachel!!) and finally got the real results of my PET scan. So I am PET negative, there's some stuff left in there, but no active cancer cells!

I got "fake" results earlier this week from one of the nurses. All she said was "marked improvement"... that can mean pretty much anything, but she wouldn't say more than that. So Dr. Mininberg thought I knew the results, but I really didn't. I asked Rachel to get him to call me since she has chemo today and that's how I FINALLY got the results. Rachel also got her PET scan results today, was good news but not the very best. She will have to get another cycle of chemo like Dr. Mininberg thought she might, but of course we were all hoping for fewer. But it's still good news cause we are both going to be cured and there is an end in site (the good kind of end).

So now all these damned side effects seem a little more worth it. The pain has gotten really really bad, I have crater sized "zits" on my body (I swear they are an evolved form of zits) that do NOT feel good, bumps on the back of my head that ooze and scab up, pale sickly skin that peels easily, funky looking nails that now require nail polish to cover em, of course there are scars still, the nausea is getting worse, and the whole I'm completely useless and can't do anything without my heart racing and running out of breath really sucks. I spend probably half the time lying on the sofa waiting for my heart to stop thumping for fear it'll just hop right out. But hey, these things are temporary, and the cancer is dying instead of me!

Catch up

So it's really been a while since I've posted much. Most important thing I should mention is what happened during my last chemo. There was a man sitting next to me, nice guy, so we started chatting. It's the chemo room thing to do. Only place us cancer folks can casually go up to someone and say "Hey, what do you have?" without weird awkwardness. Well, it seems his doctors aren't sure what he has, possibly mesothelioma, which is a very bad thing. It's usually caused by exposure to asbestos. It is also the 6th time he's had cancer! I can't imagine going through this so many times. But then I couldn't imagine it at all before. His first cancer was non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and was apparently the worst. But possibly it being the first time makes it the worst, I know I'll be pretty miserable if I am diagnosed with cancer again, but it will seem more routine instead of scary as shit like it has been.

Unfortunately, there was a bit of an interruption during the conversation. One of my chemo bags (the dacarbazine) spilled onto the side of my chair and on the table. Evidently this is a very very big deal. I was rushed out the chair and everyone was told to stay the hell away while people ran around cleaning it in a state of semi panic. My parents didn't even notice, I thought that was pretty funny. Apparently this stuff that they pump into my veins will cause serious burns if it gets on your skin. The nurse was so upset by it that after she couldn't remember what rate to set the pump for the dacarbazine, but that's ok, it's 750 ml/hr, I know this stuff now.

Well, after all the panic, I get back into my old chair that is free of the chemo spill and the guy is getting ready to leave (he had been chatting with my parents). On his way out he hands me a book. The book is called "No Such Thing As A Bad Day" by Hamilton Jordon with a forward by Jimmy Carter. Inside the cover is written "To Carina - With my best wishes for your good health! I know that you are a fighter and am confident that you will be cured! Your friend, Hamilton Jordon." Holy crap! This guy not only is a New York Times Bestseller, he was Jimmy Carter's chief-of-staff!! So, yeah, as soon as my little chemo brain will permit me to read, I will be reading his book.

Zelza with antlers

Downloaded the Christmas pics from last year that I took with the digital camera I got then. As much as I loved the Canon PowerShot, it made me want a real camera even more. =P
Anyways, here are cute Zelza pics with antlers on.

Quick Post

Ok, I actually have much to say but I'm getting really tired from an exciting day. I got my dream camera! A Nikon D40. This is the very first picture I took with it. Some tasty bananas. =) And this lovely, lovely camera works with my ancient Nikon lenses. So my camera and its 3 lenses all fit nicely in my new camera case (the case was only $20, can't quite say the same for the camera!).

I think I did too much yesterday, cause today I'm exhausted. The dog park was fun, but damn it's hot outside and walking up that nasty hill on the way back killed me. But Zelza had a blast. Blah, I'm going back to the sofa.

Pissed

I'm up because I'm still fuming. Today I transferred my shaman to a new server. Getting away from him and the old guild. Not sure I'll play her, but she's got a new home now, so there's no going back. Just got a nice reminder of what a wonderful friend he turned out to be and it's got me all pissed off again. I promoted him to guild master when I was diagnosed with cancer, and what does he do but turn around and demote me soon after. It's just so crappy. I'm also pissed off because I really liked playing Earthdawn on the weekends, but don't have enough people anymore.

I said I'd get over the thing with him if he ever came around and apologized, but it's been too long now. He clearly does not give a damn about our friendship. A stupid video game is much more important to him and I don't want to be around anyone that chooses crap like that over his friends. So good riddance and screw him.

New office

Office pics. I got a nice rug from Ikea along with a cactus and some stick on flowers and stuff for the walls.



Very nice view. =)

Hooray!

I no longer feel like crap. The bad week is over. Today Fritz has to stay real late at work. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow? But it's ok, cause I got to drive! Once I was able to stand up without being dizzy within 5 minutes, I set off to Atlantic Station where I got Fritz some much needed work shirts and me some much deserved strawberries. Yum. Oh, and some more nail polish. *admires her fingers*

So this silly screen thing on the Scion... The software was finally made available today so I could put my own pictures and stuff on it. Yes, it's still silly, but whatever, I now have an evil looking cartoon fish on my dashboard. I'll make it swim at some point, too lazy to do that yet. I wish it was color, seeing as most people have to spend $425 on it, shouldn't it be color? My phone cost $50, it has a color screen. =P

Awww, poor Sessie. She is really missing Fritz. She started mewing at the door around the time Fritz usually comes home, didn't stop for about an hour. Now she's curled up on the sofa looking dejected. I'm not THAT bad company, am I?

So uhh... I have barely any eyebrows and eyelashes left. You really can't see em anymore. I hadn't left the house since Monday this week and so didn't put on any makeup. Man, I looked weird. Not having eyebrows makes your forehead look huge. I feel much better now that I've drawn them back on and put on the mascara. Pretty soon I'll have to go to false eyelashes, though, there's not much left to put mascara on. =/

Tired

So it's Tuesday and I'm tired and not feeling great. Though I was able to get up before noon today, which is a first for my bad week. Maybe the ginseng is helping? Thursday will be the real test. If I can do anything more than moan on the sofa all day, I'll be thrilled.

Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a cheapo rug for the new office. The floor is just kinda funky, so I'll try to get one Friday then finish moving in on Saturday (along with cleaning the floor first if it isn't done by then). Of course, this depends on how I'm feeling, should be ok though.

Ok, wow, I am pretty tired. Wish my silly rogue was just level 40, would be more fun. But hey, it's still something mindless for my chemo brain to do. Think I'll make a salad and pass out.

My love affair

The car pics are in! Not the best lighting, but the best I could do seeing how crummy I feel. I was able to drive to campus today no problems and check out my new office (along with claiming a desk by the lovely window!).





That be a lot of luggage space. *grin*

Ugh

So there's this funky funky chemo taste in my mouth that just won't go away. Normally whatever I eat or drink overpowers the taste, but this time around, the funk taste is winning out. This is nasty. I hope it goes away soon, cause it'd be nice to enjoy eating and drinking...

Oh, just going to reiterate that he is still a jackass. Unfortunately, it seems he's the only one that doesn't realize this. Fortunately, no one agrees with him.

On a plus side, I reinstalled WoW and am now loving my blood elf rogue. Fritz is playing his troll hunter from a ways back but might take my troll mage once transfers open on the server I rolled on. Alex may take one of our toons, prolly once he's back from Ohio. Man, his job sucks. This summer sucks. The 3 of us are not having a fun time right now.

But, I have a new car!!! I will take pictures at some point, but my nasty nasty sick days are coming up very soon, so it might have to wait until the weekend. So far only Fritz has seen me at my worst. The parents will be seeing my next sucky bad week, guess they'll let me know just how bad I look cause of course Fritz always says I look cute no matter what. =)

I may or may not try to drive to campus tomorrow. It seems I'm moving to a new office! The main entrance to the EAS building is being redone, so everyone in my current office has to move. We're supposed to finish moving by the end of the week, but, uhh... since Tues, Wed, and Thurs will definitely be spent NOT moving (I will be comatose on the sofa the majority of the time), I don't know that I'll manage. Fortunately, I've been given an extension. =P But what I may try is go either Monday or Friday just to get the new key and then move over the weekend, with some help because I know I won't be able to carry anything. I feel so pathetic. I went from weight lifting pretty seriously 3 to 4 times a week to being intimidated by a single flight of stairs. Man I feel weak.

How many pills can a girl take?

It's crazy, I had to take 12 pills this morning! And most of them are not small. Here's the list of stuff I get to take:

1 baby asprin to prevent blood clots forming in my port
1 multivitamin cause it's good for me
2 Decadron, steroids that work with the anti nausia meds and keep me awake for 3 days after chemo
1 Emend which I take for 2 days for nausia
5 Metamucil tablets cause I need the fiber, normally I just take 3 cause chemo causes constipation, but apparently Emend causes bad constipation too, so I've upped the dose to 5 while I'm on the Emend
2 ginseng pills cause last week I read a study that they help with chemo fatigue, I'll find out if this is true for me over the next week

So yeah, that's a lot of stuff for a 23 year old to be taking. And except for the baby asprin and Decadron, they're all huge tablets.

Bleomycin

Bleomycin is the B in ABVD, which are the four chemotherapy drugs that I have been getting. This stuff can cause lung damage, so I got a pulmonary test before starting, and another one just 3 weeks ago. Well, the results are in, it seems that my gas uptake is not as good as the first test, so I have been taken off the Bleomycin. Now I just get AVD.

I guess this is good and bad. Bad because that's one less drug to help rid me of my 4 little friends in my chest. But it's also good because hopefully I will have avoided permanent lung damage. Well, just gotta take what I can get.

On a plus side, instead of gaining 3 pounds as usual, I lost a pound! And my blood pressure went down by 15 points. So that's nice, it's almost back to pre chemo levels. Oh, and the best thing, insurance is now covering Emend, it's lovely anti nausea medicine, which I sooo need.

Awesomeness

And look, I'm a good girl. That be a lot of salad.

Chemo as insect repellent?

That's right, it seems chemotherapy is working as an insect repellent for me. Normally, I am considered quite the delicacy among the female mosquitoes. They will travel far to feast on me and ignore any other tasty morsels nearby, as none are as good as I. Going outside in the evening in the middle of summer guarantees that I will become a lumpy, swollen, itchy mess.

Well, no more! Now when a mosquito bites me, it bites once and leaves! My toxic blood is not so appealing to them it seems. I'd love to catch one in the act and see it gag after sipping a bit. =P

Sad Day

Before I say anything, I called up my dad at some stupid hour and chatted for an hour and forty minutes, so I am feeling fine now. Though, damn, I go through a lot of tissues these days.

The reason I called is because I lost what I thought was a very good friend today. Not sure how much detail I will go into because it requires I explain a stupid video game (World of Warcraft). Essentially, I made a guild in the game and ran it since roughly September of last year. I put lots of time and effort into this thing, including making the website (which is very pretty, the guild is called Descend). When I was diagnosed with cancer, I put my friend in charge of it since I knew I wouldn't have the time anymore. And this friend had been very nice, he even drove me to the hospital once when I couldn't find a way there (he got free lunch out of it). However, one week I was very very sick and didn't log on at all. I just couldn't move off the sofa. When I logged back on, I found that I couldn't chat in the officer channel anymore... he had demoted me! Mind you, this was the only channel I talked in. I sometimes logged on just to chat in there, since those were the people I knew best online. So of course I was pissed off, I actually cancelled my account, but the whole time I simply assumed he did not realize that it would upset me.

Well, it seems that was not quite the case. I decided to start playing again, hoping he would promote me when he saw that I was back. Today I went to a raid, and afterwards I jokingly asked what was going on in officer chat. They were apparently having fun joking about such and such, and I said I missed being in the channel. His response was, oh, you're not missing much. Well, then I decide to be a bit more straightforward for him (maybe he still doesn't get it?) and just flat out tell him that I was pissed off he booted me from the channel, seeing as I made the guild, ran it, made AND pay for the web page. His response? "We needed new blood"... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Oh, but he's nice, he'll pay for the web page now.

Now, this would not be such a big deal if A) I hadn't made the guild, B) I hadn't invited him to the guild and then promoted him, or C) He wasn't a real life friend. If I had been some random officer, not the one in charge who made the damn thing, or if he was just some online friend (hard to tell who the jerks are online), then this would not be a big deal, it's just a game. But, unfortunately, this was someone I had been friends with since my very first semester at Tech 5 years ago. And what he did was really really really mean. There's no way around it, that was just callous.

Edit: Just another point to make here. The main reason I went back to playing was so I could chat with this friend since he's always on. But since he pretty much only talks in the officer channel and he banned me from it, he essentially banned me from talking with him online.

Last night was bad. Doing better now, painting my finger nails.

...

Depressed again. Yay... Don't want to go on Friday. Really want this to be over with. And I keep poking the area where I found the tumor (well, one of 4) above my right collar bone. I guess it's still swollen from the surgery or something, I don't know.

Ugh

Stupid cancercare.org. I requested to be put on the waiting list for the Young Adults with Cancer support group. I wait about a month, finally get an email that says I'm in a group, but NOT the Young Adults one. Damn people put me in the wrong one! So... lovely... Since you can only sign up for one group at a time, I guess that means if I still want to join the right one I'll have to go back to the end of the wait list?
*insert profanities here*

Weee!

My last cancer symptom has gone away! I haven't put moisturizer on my skin in a few days and it's not peeling! The itchiness has been gone for about a month now, and today I will say that the peeling, dry skin is officially gone as well. It's possible the fatigue due to the cancer is gone, but it's been replaced with chemo fatigue. So though I'm ridiculously tired, I do feel more alert than I did pre chemo.
Mmm... smooth legs.

But that's not to say I feel great or anything. Nice dark circles under my eyes and pretty much can't move during my bad week. Too tired to even watch tv. And this morning I felt really sick, which is weird, this is my good week. I suppose it's possible that it could have been from something else.

Just some jokes

What's the difference between God and a Doctor?
God doesn't think he's a Doctor!

Doctor: The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have six months to live.
Patient: But, doc, I can't pay off my medical bills in six months.
Doctor: In that case, you have six months more.

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

Mmm... Scion...

So I'm feeling a lot better today. At least my chemo schedule seems to be fairly consistent. I feel like crap Tuesday through Thursday, though it's beginning to sneak into Mondays now too. The aches are really annoying. They start in my cheeks, then spread through my jaw, my neck, then shoulders and throughout the rest of me. Early mornings are the absolute worst. Starting at around 4 I am pretty much writhing in pain in bed until noon. Makes for a very exhausted chemo girl, and hubby. The only bonus to all the pain and exhaustion is I'm not bored during the day anymore. Haha, very funny solution to that problem. I'm too tired and in too much pain to get depressed about my situation. For now, I'll take that. Not so bad.

Well, next week should be fun. Getting a new car! Gotta say thanks to the entire family for helping us out with it!! I'm really really looking forward to being able to go out during my good week. Let's see... what will I do... dog park, go to campus, grocery shopping, dog park, random other chores, did I mention dog park? I miss going to campus, but I really am way too weak to walk there anymore. I was hoping that wouldn't happen, but it has. Well, when I get back from DRIVING to campus I can have enough energy left over to clean! I like the apartment not looking like a giant furry mess. I cleaned it all up nicely for Frahn coming to visit last week, but since then it's gotten a bit messy again. I will clean it all up once I'm able to take the dog out without completely loosing my breath and needing to sit down after. No need to exhaust myself cleaning...