Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!

Quote

2009-02-17T15:16:00.001-05:00

"We are announcing the first example of an artificial synthetic chemical system capable of Darwinian evolution. Is it alive? Well, I can tell you that it is not self-sustaining. You have to have a graduate student stand there and feed it from time to time, but it is evolving."

-Professor Paul Davies, a physicist at Arizona State University

Insurance Fun

2009-01-20T15:20:00.003-05:00

Man, bills like this make me laugh:

Are you male or female?

2008-07-28T20:42:00.002-04:00

My browsing history apparently says I'm 100% female. Didn't expect that somehow...
Gender Tester

Inside

2008-07-22T18:48:00.002-04:00

They obviously didn't take me camera, though! Idiots. Not that I'm complaining!

Robbed

2008-07-22T18:43:00.005-04:00

This is what I came home to today. Zelza and Sessie were fine, but I couldn't find Termie. Over an hour later I found him, shaking under the bed under some clothes. They went through everything. The place wasn't that tidy in the first place, but now it's a mess. They used one of our pillow cases to take off with the xbox 360 and the wii. But all the animals are fine! I thought Termie got out. If he had, we would never have gotten him back.

2008-07-18T23:34:00.002-04:00

2008-07-14T16:15:00.003-04:00

Cuuute!!

2008-07-08T18:36:00.002-04:00

2008-07-01T17:20:00.001-04:00

2008-06-08T20:39:00.002-04:00

Here's a story I read recently about a woman going through breast reconstruction. Just a warning, there are pictures in here for every stage she went through.

Myself: Together Again

For Better or For Worse

2008-05-12T11:05:00.003-04:00

Just a comic I like to read every morning. I thought todays was pretty funny. Previous boyfriend has come back into the girl's life bugging her nonstop (phone calls, etc) to get back together with her, but he's clueless. I know, silly, but I liked it anyway.

"Funny" Story

2008-04-24T23:24:00.005-04:00

Ok, so I know this person never EVER reads my blog, but just in case, I'll leave her name out.

Anyway, a few months ago this person sent me a message on aim crying her eyes out. Apparently she had just had her hair cut and was absolutely traumatized by how short it was. Ok, here's the first problem. I still had almost no hair at the time (and she knew this), so complaining to me about having hair too short... yeah... But it gets better. She had her hair cut to donate it to cancer patients. Sounds awesome, right? Some people really can't handle the whole bald thing very well, so wigs are great for them. Well, evidently she didn't really want to donate her hair and had been pressured into doing it and was very very pissed about it. So now it's not so awesome anymore. But wait, there's more! Her hair is only down to her butt now! Horrendus! (...) And here she is, crying to the bald cancer patient about how much she HATES (her caps, not mine) the cancer people for making her donate her hair cause she didn't want it cut and now she looks HORRIBLE (again, her caps) with such ugly short hair...

Wait, I think I need more dot dot dots for this.
.........................................................................

(PS - she's in med school)

2008-04-24T20:45:00.001-04:00

Omg, there's a Facebook group called Chuck Noris's Tears Cure Cancer... Too Bad He Never Cries.

Sidenote: Smallville is soooo enthralling that Fritz refuses to let me talk to him at all during it.

Woot!

2008-04-23T00:41:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday me! Wait, it's now the 23rd since it's past midnight... so I guess that was technically yesterday. Either way, I'm 24 now!

Ack!

2008-04-10T12:46:00.002-04:00

I am most definitely NOT a blonde anymore. I am hair dye free at the moment and my hair is not only not blonde, it's also not light brown, in fact, it's almost dark brown. And it's very very wavy.

Oh no....
Now I really do look like a female clone of my dad...
*hides in a corner*

smile

2008-03-12T12:22:00.002-04:00

I'm still cancer free! And, I get to get my port taken out! I'll have to take pictures of it as a memory. Hopefully I can get that done next week, only need local anesthetic to get it out. My thyroid was inflamed, though. So my thyroid function is being tested, should know the results on Friday. Regardless, that's not as big a deal. Kinda runs in the family anyway, but in my case it would be caused by the radiation treatment.

But I'm happy, cancer free, the beautiful dog is doing well, and it's warm and sunny out! But I'm doing laundry, so I'll be inside for a while. =)

ZELZA'S HOME!!!

2008-03-07T15:31:00.011-05:00

Nothing stops Zelza from being cute! She's very wobbly, but still in good spirits and can actually use all her legs!

Yeah yeah, I used auto focus, hence Sessie is in focus in one and not Zel.

Oh wow, seriously, ignore the picture quality cause it's horrible in all of em. I just wanted to take quick pictures so she could take her nap. Auto focus/shutter speed/aperture failure. =)

Zelza

2008-03-05T19:35:00.005-05:00

So today was mental breakdown day. I even called the psychiatry department at the health center to see if maybe I could see someone today. Just some help. But no, the idiot woman who answered the phone just told me I'd have to wait till mid next week... So I called Fritz and ended up driving to his work. After that I went to visit Zelza, I was hoping if I went to the 3-5 visiting hours instead of 7-9 I might get to talk to the neurologist.

Well, when Zelza came in to the room to see me... SHE WAS WALKING! I mean, it certainly wasn't perfect. She drags her front left leg a bit and kinda leans to the left, but this is from not being able to use any legs on Saturday! The day before surgery her front left leg did NOTHING. And I did get to talk the neurologist, both of them actual (they did the surgery together). So we might be able to get her back tomorrow. I just can't wait! Poor thing looks so beat up, though. They operated through the front of her neck, so she has a pretty giant incision with staples in it on her throat. But she was even able to stand up on her own and hold steady. Oh, I just love her SOO much!

Zelza

2008-03-04T08:56:00.001-05:00

Surgery is starting.

Zelza

2008-03-03T16:31:00.000-05:00

So it's a herniated disk. She needs surgery.

Zelza

2008-03-03T09:53:00.003-05:00

So we transferred Zelza to another vet yesterday. Giant place that has a neurologist. Right now she's getting an MRI and spinal tap. But currently it's looking like she had a spinal stroke. So the stroke actually caused the paralysis and the fall. Today I'm told she was able to take a few steps. Yay! Until today her front left leg was doing absolutely nothing. So her front leg is kinda moving today and her back left leg is able to bear some weight. This is a HUGE improvement over Saturday when she couldn't control any of her legs. There's still a chance it's an infection or a slipped or herniated disk, hence all the tests. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

This is costing a lot, but we'll do anything for our Zelza. I mean, what else would we spend the money on we've been saving. A house without a Zelza? No way.

Zelza

2008-03-01T13:32:00.003-05:00

The left side of Zelza's body is paralyzed. We don't know if the fall caused the paralysis or vice versa. She's at the vet now and we don't know what will happen. This stuff just never ends! I can't stand the thought of loosing her. She is the most amazing dog in the world. We just love her so much.

Apartment Pictures

2008-02-28T23:04:00.004-05:00

Got some new furniture! And since I never did post pictures of our new place, here it is:

Fritz

2008-02-28T11:28:00.003-05:00

There are no pictures of Fritz! Here's us over Christmas (I'm holding Sessie). Isn't he cute? =D

And man, I have soo much more hair now.

Where is everyone?

2008-02-27T15:02:00.003-05:00

I always seem to get to Manu's class first. I'm bored, so I took a picture with my laptop.

So I've been working out! And today I bought a new table for the kitchen. This way when Rachel comes over on Friday there will actually be a place for all 3 of us to sit! Omg!

The dog is shedding...

2008-02-17T14:46:00.004-05:00

Sessie

2008-02-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

I cracked up when I saw this. This Sessie every single day:

Steve McIntyre

2008-02-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

Hair cut!

2008-02-05T14:18:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I take forever to finally update anything on here. I got my first ever haircut about 2 weeks ago! And last night I cut Fritz's hair, so for the first time in a YEAR my hair is longer than Fritz's!!!

2008-01-11T00:29:00.001-05:00

This video made me cry. All my pets are shelter animals and were clearly mistreated before I got them. I've also caught many an animal wandering the streets and brought them to the pound. The pound is still better than being hit by a car or dying of starvation. There was one dog I couldn't save. While I was driving back to Atlanta after Christmas with my parents, we saw a dog that had been abandoned at a gas station. We got her food and water and called local vets. The county didn't have any animal control so one of the vets said they would send someone out in the morning to get her. I hope they managed. I was all willing to sit with her on my lap the whole way to bring her to the pound here.

Good thing, though, Termie is back home and his kidneys have recovered! I'm SOOO happy to have him back!

Termie

2008-01-09T01:26:00.001-05:00

It seems 2007 is continuing into 2008. Termie is now at the vet because his urethra is completely blocked. His bladder is full but all that comes out is little drops of blood. We brought him in on Friday because he was peeing everywhere and they found that he had crystals in his urine and a urinary tract infection. I've been giving him antibiotics twice a day since and put him on the vet recommended diet. Unfortunately, it seems it wasn't soon enough, which is why the poor guy today was straining to pee with nothing coming out, throwing up, and crying in pain when I picked him up. I looked him over and saw that there was blood down there. =(

If we hadn't brought him to the vet tonight he would have been dead by morning. I hate that I'm upset about the $2000 this is costing us. It is yet another medical trauma in our lives. And as all medical traumas, it costs a lot. I just hope soo soo badly that he'll be alright and I'll have my lovely Termie home in 3 days!

Radiation

2007-12-29T02:48:00.000-05:00

I was looking back at my posts, and realized I never described radiation therapy. Since it's late, I'll make it short.

Five days a week, for a month and a half, I drove to Piedmont Hospital and parked in the ER parking lot (us radiation folks get to do that!). Then I'd walk to the radiation center which is very close to the parking. There, I would change in one of the 2 dressing rooms and put on a blue gown. After sitting in the waiting room drinking water, one of the nurses calls my name and the fun begins. I get to go through a giant metal door and into a rather normal looking room. It has shelves and papers and mirrors. But, it also has cameras, plastic molds of people's bodies or heads, and, of course, a giant machine with a metal bed in front of it:

I lie down on the bed while 2 nurses shove me this way and that to get the green laser beams to line up with the 6 blue dots that have been tattooed on me. This almost always resulted in my being topless at some point and very happy that the nurses were girls. They then leave the room, shut to giant metal door, and start up the machine while keeping an eye on my through the cameras (can't have a window in this room). The noise is so weird. I've had several moles removed, and it reminded me of the sound the thing that is used to burn your flesh to stop the bleeding makes. So the first few times I thought I would smell burning flesh. And hey, I guess it's not that far off. Fortunately, it only takes about a minute and your done. Then I head home and continue with the day. And, of course, go back the next day to do it all again.

Before and After

2007-12-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

Some pictures I never posted of me bald (and showing off my new pink iPod):

And me now, with hair:

Oh, and my first follow up scan came back negative! *cheers*

Definitely not alone

2007-12-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

Gotta agree with everything this gal says:
Rant

Plans

2007-12-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have a strange plan. I'm tired, depressed, dizzy half the time, sweating from the Lexapro, etc etc. All in all, actaully not that bad. But a huge part of my depression (in addition to the whole not wanting to get cancer again thing) is my damn weight gain. So I have a plan. I'm continuing with my trying to get my ass to campus and read more often, but since I always snack while playing video games, I'm doing something nasty to prevent this. I'm playing a stupidly slender, pretty character who looks like me... minus the 40 pounds and plus a lot of hair. There's no way I can nibble on crisps or drink chocolate milk while playing this annoyingly slim toon. If it makes me stop playing instead, oh well, it's still some good. But damn it, I'm going to loose this weight. *drains the coke down the sink and drinks her water*

Oh... and I'm playing on my brand new 24" lcd monitor. It's gorgeous!!!

2007-11-30T17:50:00.001-05:00

2007-11-28T20:45:00.000-05:00

So it's been awhile. I really haven't been doing much other than being too scared to leave the apartment except to get groceries. Today I managed to get myself onto campus and sit in my office for a few hours. I panicked. Actually started crying in the hallway in a corner so no one would see me. Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of my mom, so she helped calm me down a lot. I also ended up getting scolded for not taking my Lexapro. I just keep wishing I didn't need it. I feel like I should be able to get a grip of myself and move on. But instead I have nightmares of either one of my parents or Fritz dying. I wake up hoping that my cancer comes back instead.

I'm also itchy all over. I assume it's just cause I'm ridiculously anxious and that the cold weather is making my skin dry out. But of course I nervously wonder if it's my cancer coming back, since that was one of the symptoms. But I'm not as crazy itchy as I was then, when I just couldn't stop scratching. I swear my skin became a living nail file so I wouldn't have to cut my fingernails. Now I check my legs everyday to make sure there are no rashes, cause that would be the next phase.

On December 17th I get my first follow up PET scan, on December 19th I see Dr. Mininberg to find out the results, and right in between, on December 18th, is our 2 year wedding anniversary. Clearly I wasn't paying attention when I scheduled those appointments...

I'll have to go now, my stomach is doing it's annoying stuff again. Ever since the surgery it randomly starts churning and cramping. Need to lie down.

2007-11-03T20:00:00.001-04:00

My back is peeling... Eww...

lol

2007-10-26T14:26:00.001-04:00

Ok, this video only makes sense to people who play World of Warcraft. If you don't play WoW, don't bother hitting play, it won't make any sense. =)

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

2007-10-26T14:07:00.000-04:00

OMG I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hair time!

2007-10-23T15:30:00.001-04:00

OMG I have hair???

Mmmm.... Hair....

I like the hair.

Check out my right ear.

2007-10-23T11:03:00.001-04:00

I'M SO TIRED!!!!!

2007-10-15T20:45:00.001-04:00

Jerry Seinfeld is officially not funny anymore.

2007-10-15T19:39:00.000-04:00

I'm so dizzy and lightheaded, this is driving me nuts. Also seems I'm getting a cold or something, fun stuff. I think I'm going to have to drop thermodynamics, I'm just too far behind and still not well enough to even get back in. Really sucks, cause I was very much enjoying that class. But I definitely don't want to keep the class and just scrape by. I want to take it and ace it. Hopefully I can keep my other class, see how things go.

2007-10-14T19:08:00.000-04:00

I got my ear pierced. Don't tell my parents. Wait, they probably read this blog more than anyone. Where's the delete button...

In other news... Ok, it's not other news. The girl that pierced my ear had shaved her head when her best friend lost all her hair to chemotherapy. Her friend had leukemia and is now doing very well. I love meeting people that understand this stuff. It always feels nice to say something about what you're going through and the other person actually gets it. You can imagine what it's like all you want, but you really have to be there first hand to know it. Family and close friends who see it all the time. I'm actually amazed at how strong Fritz is. I know it hasn't been easy for him, but since he's the best husband you can get (sorry Dad =P)*, what more can you expect?

* Clarification here. This was not meant as "sorry Dad, you were wrong" but as "sorry Dad, my hubby's a better hubby." =D

2007-10-13T20:49:00.001-04:00

Ok, I've been convinced to rephrase my bet. I'll bet $50 that when I get cancer again, I'll make it again.

2007-10-13T12:07:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to have a major meltdown soon. Nothing goes right. NOTHING! I may be going back on my antidepressants. This is just getting to be too much to handle. Cancer, chemotherapy, car accident, ER trip, radiation therapy, another ER trip, surgery, another car accident. What's next? Oooh, I know!! I'll get my cancer back! I'm almost willing to bet anyone $50 it comes back within the next 2 years. Hey, I need that $50 at this point, so it's on.

WTF!

2007-10-13T11:45:00.000-04:00

Someone nailed the shit out of our car in the parking lot and ran off. This was the lovely sight that greated us when we went to the car this morning.

Squirrel Awesomeness

2007-10-03T06:03:00.000-04:00

No more appendix

2007-10-02T22:19:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in a while cause I've been busy having fun. Apparently that time I went to the ER 2 months ago I probably had appendicitis, and since nothing was done about it at the time, last week on Friday my appendix burst. I went to radiation as usual at noon, but in great pain. The doctor on call there that day checked me out and told me to head to the ER.

Well, it took them 9 hours to finally actually do anything with me other than either make me wait in pain at the entrance for hours, or wait in the halls in pain for hours. They kept saying they would give me pain medication, but it took a LONG time to happen. You'd think doctors walking past would pay attention to the bald cancer girl crying her eyeballs out and screaming. Not just walk past without even looking...

Anyway, they finally decided to give me a CAT scan. But since I'm allergic to iodine contrast, they couldn't give me that. They tried to get me to drink that chalky crap (which was the important part anyway) but I've never been able to keep it down in the past when I felt good. So obviously I just threw it up. So they decided to just give me a CAT scan but said it would only see anything if it was REALLY serious, so most likely there would be nothing. Well, 5 minutes after my CAT scan the head nurse came and told me I had appendicitis. It was so bad it lit up the on the scanner without any form of contrast. Surgeon came down, checked me out, and decided I needed surgery right then. They would do the surgery laprascopically, making 3 incisions and use a camera to help them take out the appendix. A very quick and easy surgery. However, when they went in, they soon saw that it was much much worse and would have to actually cut me open. Apparently my appendix had burst and was barely hanging on to my colon at that point. I was filled with pus and lots of infection. So yeah...

Well, I spent 4 nights at the hospital, just got home today. I'm still in a LOT of pain. I have 2 small wounds, one medium sized one, and one on my side that is quite large and the main source of pain. I guess I got out of my test on Monday... I was actually looking forward to studying for it cause studying for a test is soo soo soo much better than chemotherapy. I was excited, damn it! Have to figure out how I'm going to catch up, but it'll be 2 weeks I think till I can get back to class. See what happens.

2007-09-23T13:15:00.000-04:00

Kocham Cie, Babcia.

2007-09-16T16:05:00.001-04:00

Let's add to the list of chemotherapy side effects, shall we? Today I shall add... kidney stones!! It umm... really hurts... Well, now I know that the pain I've been having in my side was from kidney stones. Right now the damn thing is trying to come out. Good thing I've been through chemotherapy and surgery and so am somewhat numb to pain. Otherwise this would be making me scream.

2007-09-14T14:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, feeling better now. Got me some more good ol rock music. Listening to Rammstein, Nine Inch Nails, Korn, etc. is making me feel a lot better. Instead of feeling ridiculously bummed out I feel like I could beat the crap out of something. Much better! Now let's see, what can I beat up... not much atm, but if I work out more! Hehe. I need more muscle, badly.

2007-09-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

I need to take my Lexapro, I need a damn vacation, and I want to move to Miami someday cause I really really want to live in Miami.

2007-09-14T01:07:00.000-04:00

It's great and all that all this treatment is saving my life, but it's left me rather pathetic. I'm nothing like what I used to be like it seems. Before all this crap happened, I was a new graduate student, very excited, and looking forward to everything. I worked out 3 days a week every week, and so I had a pretty good body. I played with our lovely doggie all the time, going to the dog park and what not. My life was actually productive. Now I'm left with very little. Instead of being a fresh grad student, I'm a second year that's just way behind everyone else. I really can't see finishing at this point. I have no clue how I'm supposed to catch up when even now I'm still not well.

My body has certainly gone down the tubes. 30 pounds and nasty stretch marks are just lovely things to see in the mirror every day. I mean, my chest is purple. There's no way around it. I really really cannot stand to see myself. As much as I hate having this pathetic 2mm long hair on my head, the rest is much worse. Even my face looks awful. It's still big and round from steroids (though part is certainly from the weight gain). My nails still split apart and look funky.

I'm tired all the time. I can't even get myself to keep up with cleaning the apartment. And as much as I love Fritz and know he's an awesome guy, I can't help but sometimes wonder why the hell he still hangs around me. I have nothing to offer. I'm just an empty shell, and the shell isn't even pretty anymore.

I secretly sometimes think the chemo and radiation are being wasted on me. I'm never going to get away from cancer, I'll have to have PET scans every year for the rest of my life. When I turn 30 I'll have to get MRIs twice a year because I'm likely to get breast cancer (lovely radiation). And apparently whatever caused my Hodgkin's means that I'm just prone to cancer in general. So I get to expect to go through this again. How many times I don't know. For the rest of my life I'll have to struggle with insurance, cause who wants to insure someone who's probably going to get cancer? And then there's the issue of relapse. As in, getting Hodgkin's again within the next few years. Apparently the treatment I'd have to get if that happens puts chemotherapy to shame. I really really REALLY don't want to find out for myself. I have a 15% chance of relapse (50% if I don't do the radiation).

I've never ever once thought "why me", but I sure as hell think it sucks, a whole lot. And right now, I just can't see a future for myself, no matter how hard I try. All I can see is cancer.

And I'm tried of being told to just snap out of it and get on with life. Like it's no big deal now that the worst is over. But then it's only considered the worst by people that haven't gone through it. For me the post chemo part is harder. Now I'm supposed to magically get better, hop right back into school, be cheery and social with everyone, and act like nothing happened. Well, something DID happen. And it changed everything.

2007-09-05T16:55:00.001-04:00

I'm... bald... again...

Hair

2007-09-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

So I think my hair might be falling out again... I noticed that it didn't seem to be growing much anymore, but now if I scratch my head or something some hair falls out. And if I try to pull a hair out, it comes out very easily. Just a little poke and I've pulled the hair out. Great...

Stupid drivers

2007-09-04T12:27:00.000-04:00

Gah, so someone hit our car on Sunday. The new car! I'm pissed off. We were both backing out in a parking lot (Fritz was driving). We stopped, they didn't. They just kept backing up and hit us. We were stationary! Come on! Ugh. See what happens with the insurance and what not. We better not have to pay anything, was not our fault.

Funny stuff came out of the passenger's mouth. She claimed she was a cop and so knows the laws. Apparently because we stopped, we acknowledged that they had the right of way and so it was our fault they hit us and it was our responsibility to go into drive and avoid them... Uhh... Bullshit much? I guess we should have accelerated into them and then it would be their fault? Nice. Then she said that because they had backed out further than we had, that meant that they started backing out first and so had the right of way. Gee... yes, you were further out than us because... oh, I don't know... WE STOPPED AND YOU DIDN'T!?! I'm sorry, you hit a stationary car, I think that means it's your fault.

2007-08-31T12:10:00.001-04:00

I'm sad. Don't know why.

2007-08-27T17:14:00.001-04:00

Kittens-Coca Cola Box - Watch the best video clips here

Woot!

2007-08-26T01:00:00.000-04:00

I don't have to draw my eyebrows anymore! You can see them!! Ok, I did use some hair dye to make them more visible, but that's not really cheating.

Last Wednesday

2007-08-22T20:51:00.000-04:00

Just have to think that. I feel absolutely horrible today. I nearly passed out earlier while sitting in my chair. Imagine if I'd been standing! Hoo boy, back to the sofa. Tomorrow evening I shall say goodbye to the pain. Good riddance. See how long it takes for my heart to settle down and for the dizziness to go away.

Apartment Pictures

2007-08-20T01:38:00.000-04:00

I know! I need to take them! They are coming soon, I swear. I need everyone to wish me luck on the first day of class. I really hope I can make it. If I can get there Tuesday as well, I'll be thrilled, though I'm definitely not counting on it.

Anyways, my next hospital visit will be on Friday, I'll be taking Rachel to her last chemo. Then the next Friday, I'm getting another PET scan. Then the Tuesday after that, I'll be seeing Dr. Mininberg and getting a referral to see the radiation oncologist. Whew! See how this all goes. When I start radiation I'll have to go in every day, but only for a short time, nothing near as long as chemo. And the side effects shouldn't be nearly as bad. *crosses fingers*

Fake Hair

2007-08-18T11:20:00.000-04:00

I took a pic and stuck some hair on it for fun. Looks pretty funny. =)

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

2007-08-18T01:01:00.001-04:00

Ok, first off, Rachel is out of the hospital! *cheers* No more fever, she should get her last chemo in a week. Great news!

Ok, second off, I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG the combination of "Holy shit I'm done with chemo!" and massive amounts of steroids is making me soooo hyper. I'm just bouncing all over the damn place! I hope I can get some sleep tonight... it's not looking good so far.

But I'm not quite off the hook, of course. My Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage IIa non-favorable and bulky = radiation up ahead. Those pesky little tumors did take up 1/3 of my chest cavity after all! How the hell was I able to breathe?? Anyway, I'm in remission and hope to stay that way! I will be withholding my end of chemo party for Rachel. We shall party like crazed drugged up sleepyheads as none have before!

=(

2007-08-12T14:46:00.000-04:00

Rachel's been admitted to the hospital. Her fever won't go away. Really fucking lousy luck. She's supposed to be done with chemo! Not fair.

And there was sad news this week. Meera died. She was battling breast cancer for a second time. Alvin and Tricia now have her doggie. Here is a picture of the adorable couple, Meera and Dinky.

2007-08-09T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, the day ended well. Fritz got off late from work again, but when he got back we went out for dinner since I was just up to it for some reason. I wore a cute new dress with a new hat. I've decided to go back to hats when I'm out where there are lots of people. My hair has reached the length that to some it might look like I did this intentionally. =P That and it's just a little... well... manly looking. Can't be helped. I think once it's at least an inch and half long there will be some hope. 2 inches will be lovely.

Bored

2007-08-09T15:33:00.000-04:00

I'm bored. Not feeling great, can't do much. And bored. *sighs*

Ok

2007-08-07T23:16:00.000-04:00

I'm getting there. 1 left now. Slow and chugging along.
Oh, and my hair is so long now! Maybe soon it'll be a full half a centimeter. Don't be jealous!

Oh joy

2007-08-03T22:44:00.000-04:00

So I didn't get chemo today, it's been pushed back to Tuesday. Instead, I got to enjoy spending time in the emergency room. Got there at 4 this morning, didn't get back till almost 10. I've got some sort of stomach virus. Basically, my stomach hurts, a lot, I threw up last night, and now I have a fever. The pain started last night at around 11 and is still going strong. I guess yay for being sick from something other than cancer/chemo?
Oh, and I need a way to get to chemo on Tuesday now. More fun.

Looking up

2007-07-27T18:06:00.000-04:00

Things seems to be going better than usual. My bad week was horrible, but I was able to move more. I was still in pain, still exhausted, heart racing like crazy, but somehow still not as bad as it had been before. Oh, and... my hair is coming in! What's going on?? This makes me feel quite optimistic about the fall semester starting. Now I'm looking forward to it instead of panicking so much.

And it looks like we're moving into a 2 bedroom apartment. *crosses fingers*

Meep!

2007-07-26T22:53:00.001-04:00

I want hairy nostrils!

2007-07-20T11:18:00.001-04:00

Apparently my lack of nasal hair is causing mucus to run down my throat and into my lungs which is causing my damn cough. Yum!

Guinea pigs!

2007-07-17T17:05:00.001-04:00

Pain

2007-07-15T20:13:00.001-04:00

So it's getting harder and harder. I'm never fully awake, half the time I have to sit on the bed to catch my breath just to get from the sofa to the bathroom! Every now and then I have some energy, so I go and spend it all just to crash afterwards. Joy. To top it off, the pain never seems to fully go away anymore. The debilitating bone pain that I have for 2 and a half days may finally leave, but my muscles still hurt after. The only time I'm not in pain is when I'm curled up in the bathtub with the shower running down my back. I take long showers every day now, hopefully the water bill won't be too bad. I mean, Tylenol does take care of most of the muscle pain, but I can't live off Tylenol every day. Blah, I have mouth sores this week too. But hey, the Lexapro must be working cause somehow I'm managing to deal with all this. Go Lexapro!

Oh, and though I'm never fully awake, I'm also never fully asleep. Damn roids.

Chemo Pics

2007-07-07T01:00:00.001-04:00

Ok, made a little album of pictures I took during chemo today with my marvelous camera. You can see them here.

So a few pieces of news today. Apparently I am now anemic so I've started on the Procrit. I'll have to go in every week to get that shot. Hopefully this will help with the fatigue. I have a prescription for acne medication cause those crazy sore zits from the steroids have got to go. And, I have some happy pills. I don't ever ever want to have a meltdown like I had Sunday night/Monday morning again. I was actually screaming on Monday, but I was able to finally get kinda over it by walking around and forcing myself to concentrate on drinking a glass of water. But why don't we just go and try to avoid something like that happening again altogether? Sounds like a good plan to me.

One last thing. I started out with 4 tumors, the largest was 4 by 6 cm. The 3 smaller ones are gone and the giant one is now only 1 by 2 cm. I think that's what Mininberg said. I'm kinda foggy right now, ask me again in a week or so.

: /

2007-07-04T17:12:00.002-04:00

Well, he rubbed some salt in the wound today. He's dumping the webpage for the guild that I spent so much time putting together and using a new one.

I don't understand why he hasn't bothered talking to me at all.

New side effect

2007-07-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

So I had to cut my trip to New Orleans short because of a lovely new side effect from the chemo... massive anxiety and depression. I'm used to being anxious and depressed when there's a reason to be, but this time there was no real reason and it was a lot worse than normal. I know being away from home definitely was a reason for me to be anxious, but this was just ridiculous. Now that I've been home for a day I'm feeling a lot better. If I get freaked out here I know how to calm myself down, but anywhere else and I guess it just spirals out of control.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-29T11:10:00.000-04:00

I'M IN REMISSION!! Or something. Maybe it's not remission till I'm done, but either way it's good news! Just talked to Dr. Mininberg this morning (thank you Rachel!!) and finally got the real results of my PET scan. So I am PET negative, there's some stuff left in there, but no active cancer cells!

I got "fake" results earlier this week from one of the nurses. All she said was "marked improvement"... that can mean pretty much anything, but she wouldn't say more than that. So Dr. Mininberg thought I knew the results, but I really didn't. I asked Rachel to get him to call me since she has chemo today and that's how I FINALLY got the results. Rachel also got her PET scan results today, was good news but not the very best. She will have to get another cycle of chemo like Dr. Mininberg thought she might, but of course we were all hoping for fewer. But it's still good news cause we are both going to be cured and there is an end in site (the good kind of end).

So now all these damned side effects seem a little more worth it. The pain has gotten really really bad, I have crater sized "zits" on my body (I swear they are an evolved form of zits) that do NOT feel good, bumps on the back of my head that ooze and scab up, pale sickly skin that peels easily, funky looking nails that now require nail polish to cover em, of course there are scars still, the nausea is getting worse, and the whole I'm completely useless and can't do anything without my heart racing and running out of breath really sucks. I spend probably half the time lying on the sofa waiting for my heart to stop thumping for fear it'll just hop right out. But hey, these things are temporary, and the cancer is dying instead of me!

Catch up

2007-06-28T17:11:00.000-04:00

So it's really been a while since I've posted much. Most important thing I should mention is what happened during my last chemo. There was a man sitting next to me, nice guy, so we started chatting. It's the chemo room thing to do. Only place us cancer folks can casually go up to someone and say "Hey, what do you have?" without weird awkwardness. Well, it seems his doctors aren't sure what he has, possibly mesothelioma, which is a very bad thing. It's usually caused by exposure to asbestos. It is also the 6th time he's had cancer! I can't imagine going through this so many times. But then I couldn't imagine it at all before. His first cancer was non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and was apparently the worst. But possibly it being the first time makes it the worst, I know I'll be pretty miserable if I am diagnosed with cancer again, but it will seem more routine instead of scary as shit like it has been.

Unfortunately, there was a bit of an interruption during the conversation. One of my chemo bags (the dacarbazine) spilled onto the side of my chair and on the table. Evidently this is a very very big deal. I was rushed out the chair and everyone was told to stay the hell away while people ran around cleaning it in a state of semi panic. My parents didn't even notice, I thought that was pretty funny. Apparently this stuff that they pump into my veins will cause serious burns if it gets on your skin. The nurse was so upset by it that after she couldn't remember what rate to set the pump for the dacarbazine, but that's ok, it's 750 ml/hr, I know this stuff now.

Well, after all the panic, I get back into my old chair that is free of the chemo spill and the guy is getting ready to leave (he had been chatting with my parents). On his way out he hands me a book. The book is called "No Such Thing As A Bad Day" by Hamilton Jordon with a forward by Jimmy Carter. Inside the cover is written "To Carina - With my best wishes for your good health! I know that you are a fighter and am confident that you will be cured! Your friend, Hamilton Jordon." Holy crap! This guy not only is a New York Times Bestseller, he was Jimmy Carter's chief-of-staff!! So, yeah, as soon as my little chemo brain will permit me to read, I will be reading his book.

Zelza with antlers

2007-06-24T01:07:00.000-04:00

Downloaded the Christmas pics from last year that I took with the digital camera I got then. As much as I loved the Canon PowerShot, it made me want a real camera even more. =P
Anyways, here are cute Zelza pics with antlers on.

Quick Post

2007-06-23T20:50:00.001-04:00

Ok, I actually have much to say but I'm getting really tired from an exciting day. I got my dream camera! A Nikon D40. This is the very first picture I took with it. Some tasty bananas. =) And this lovely, lovely camera works with my ancient Nikon lenses. So my camera and its 3 lenses all fit nicely in my new camera case (the case was only $20, can't quite say the same for the camera!).

2007-06-19T13:32:00.001-04:00

I think I did too much yesterday, cause today I'm exhausted. The dog park was fun, but damn it's hot outside and walking up that nasty hill on the way back killed me. But Zelza had a blast. Blah, I'm going back to the sofa.

Pissed

2007-06-17T02:40:00.002-04:00

I'm up because I'm still fuming. Today I transferred my shaman to a new server. Getting away from him and the old guild. Not sure I'll play her, but she's got a new home now, so there's no going back. Just got a nice reminder of what a wonderful friend he turned out to be and it's got me all pissed off again. I promoted him to guild master when I was diagnosed with cancer, and what does he do but turn around and demote me soon after. It's just so crappy. I'm also pissed off because I really liked playing Earthdawn on the weekends, but don't have enough people anymore.

I said I'd get over the thing with him if he ever came around and apologized, but it's been too long now. He clearly does not give a damn about our friendship. A stupid video game is much more important to him and I don't want to be around anyone that chooses crap like that over his friends. So good riddance and screw him.

New office

2007-06-15T15:45:00.000-04:00

Office pics. I got a nice rug from Ikea along with a cactus and some stick on flowers and stuff for the walls.

Very nice view. =)

Hooray!

2007-06-14T19:29:00.000-04:00

I no longer feel like crap. The bad week is over. Today Fritz has to stay real late at work. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow? But it's ok, cause I got to drive! Once I was able to stand up without being dizzy within 5 minutes, I set off to Atlantic Station where I got Fritz some much needed work shirts and me some much deserved strawberries. Yum. Oh, and some more nail polish. *admires her fingers*

So this silly screen thing on the Scion... The software was finally made available today so I could put my own pictures and stuff on it. Yes, it's still silly, but whatever, I now have an evil looking cartoon fish on my dashboard. I'll make it swim at some point, too lazy to do that yet. I wish it was color, seeing as most people have to spend $425 on it, shouldn't it be color? My phone cost $50, it has a color screen. =P

Awww, poor Sessie. She is really missing Fritz. She started mewing at the door around the time Fritz usually comes home, didn't stop for about an hour. Now she's curled up on the sofa looking dejected. I'm not THAT bad company, am I?

So uhh... I have barely any eyebrows and eyelashes left. You really can't see em anymore. I hadn't left the house since Monday this week and so didn't put on any makeup. Man, I looked weird. Not having eyebrows makes your forehead look huge. I feel much better now that I've drawn them back on and put on the mascara. Pretty soon I'll have to go to false eyelashes, though, there's not much left to put mascara on. =/

Tired

2007-06-12T13:58:00.000-04:00

So it's Tuesday and I'm tired and not feeling great. Though I was able to get up before noon today, which is a first for my bad week. Maybe the ginseng is helping? Thursday will be the real test. If I can do anything more than moan on the sofa all day, I'll be thrilled.

Anyways, I'm thinking of getting a cheapo rug for the new office. The floor is just kinda funky, so I'll try to get one Friday then finish moving in on Saturday (along with cleaning the floor first if it isn't done by then). Of course, this depends on how I'm feeling, should be ok though.

Ok, wow, I am pretty tired. Wish my silly rogue was just level 40, would be more fun. But hey, it's still something mindless for my chemo brain to do. Think I'll make a salad and pass out.

My love affair

2007-06-11T12:02:00.000-04:00

The car pics are in! Not the best lighting, but the best I could do seeing how crummy I feel. I was able to drive to campus today no problems and check out my new office (along with claiming a desk by the lovely window!).

That be a lot of luggage space. *grin*

Ugh

2007-06-10T22:03:00.001-04:00

So there's this funky funky chemo taste in my mouth that just won't go away. Normally whatever I eat or drink overpowers the taste, but this time around, the funk taste is winning out. This is nasty. I hope it goes away soon, cause it'd be nice to enjoy eating and drinking...

Oh, just going to reiterate that he is still a jackass. Unfortunately, it seems he's the only one that doesn't realize this. Fortunately, no one agrees with him.

On a plus side, I reinstalled WoW and am now loving my blood elf rogue. Fritz is playing his troll hunter from a ways back but might take my troll mage once transfers open on the server I rolled on. Alex may take one of our toons, prolly once he's back from Ohio. Man, his job sucks. This summer sucks. The 3 of us are not having a fun time right now.

But, I have a new car!!! I will take pictures at some point, but my nasty nasty sick days are coming up very soon, so it might have to wait until the weekend. So far only Fritz has seen me at my worst. The parents will be seeing my next sucky bad week, guess they'll let me know just how bad I look cause of course Fritz always says I look cute no matter what. =)

I may or may not try to drive to campus tomorrow. It seems I'm moving to a new office! The main entrance to the EAS building is being redone, so everyone in my current office has to move. We're supposed to finish moving by the end of the week, but, uhh... since Tues, Wed, and Thurs will definitely be spent NOT moving (I will be comatose on the sofa the majority of the time), I don't know that I'll manage. Fortunately, I've been given an extension. =P But what I may try is go either Monday or Friday just to get the new key and then move over the weekend, with some help because I know I won't be able to carry anything. I feel so pathetic. I went from weight lifting pretty seriously 3 to 4 times a week to being intimidated by a single flight of stairs. Man I feel weak.

How many pills can a girl take?

2007-06-09T10:42:00.000-04:00

It's crazy, I had to take 12 pills this morning! And most of them are not small. Here's the list of stuff I get to take:

1 baby asprin to prevent blood clots forming in my port
1 multivitamin cause it's good for me
2 Decadron, steroids that work with the anti nausia meds and keep me awake for 3 days after chemo
1 Emend which I take for 2 days for nausia
5 Metamucil tablets cause I need the fiber, normally I just take 3 cause chemo causes constipation, but apparently Emend causes bad constipation too, so I've upped the dose to 5 while I'm on the Emend
2 ginseng pills cause last week I read a study that they help with chemo fatigue, I'll find out if this is true for me over the next week

So yeah, that's a lot of stuff for a 23 year old to be taking. And except for the baby asprin and Decadron, they're all huge tablets.

Bleomycin

2007-06-08T13:04:00.000-04:00

Bleomycin is the B in ABVD, which are the four chemotherapy drugs that I have been getting. This stuff can cause lung damage, so I got a pulmonary test before starting, and another one just 3 weeks ago. Well, the results are in, it seems that my gas uptake is not as good as the first test, so I have been taken off the Bleomycin. Now I just get AVD.

I guess this is good and bad. Bad because that's one less drug to help rid me of my 4 little friends in my chest. But it's also good because hopefully I will have avoided permanent lung damage. Well, just gotta take what I can get.

On a plus side, instead of gaining 3 pounds as usual, I lost a pound! And my blood pressure went down by 15 points. So that's nice, it's almost back to pre chemo levels. Oh, and the best thing, insurance is now covering Emend, it's lovely anti nausea medicine, which I sooo need.

Awesomeness

2007-06-07T13:45:00.001-04:00

And look, I'm a good girl. That be a lot of salad.

Chemo as insect repellent?

2007-06-07T13:22:00.000-04:00

That's right, it seems chemotherapy is working as an insect repellent for me. Normally, I am considered quite the delicacy among the female mosquitoes. They will travel far to feast on me and ignore any other tasty morsels nearby, as none are as good as I. Going outside in the evening in the middle of summer guarantees that I will become a lumpy, swollen, itchy mess.

Well, no more! Now when a mosquito bites me, it bites once and leaves! My toxic blood is not so appealing to them it seems. I'd love to catch one in the act and see it gag after sipping a bit. =P

Sad Day

2007-06-07T02:20:00.002-04:00

Before I say anything, I called up my dad at some stupid hour and chatted for an hour and forty minutes, so I am feeling fine now. Though, damn, I go through a lot of tissues these days.

The reason I called is because I lost what I thought was a very good friend today. Not sure how much detail I will go into because it requires I explain a stupid video game (World of Warcraft). Essentially, I made a guild in the game and ran it since roughly September of last year. I put lots of time and effort into this thing, including making the website (which is very pretty, the guild is called Descend). When I was diagnosed with cancer, I put my friend in charge of it since I knew I wouldn't have the time anymore. And this friend had been very nice, he even drove me to the hospital once when I couldn't find a way there (he got free lunch out of it). However, one week I was very very sick and didn't log on at all. I just couldn't move off the sofa. When I logged back on, I found that I couldn't chat in the officer channel anymore... he had demoted me! Mind you, this was the only channel I talked in. I sometimes logged on just to chat in there, since those were the people I knew best online. So of course I was pissed off, I actually cancelled my account, but the whole time I simply assumed he did not realize that it would upset me.

Well, it seems that was not quite the case. I decided to start playing again, hoping he would promote me when he saw that I was back. Today I went to a raid, and afterwards I jokingly asked what was going on in officer chat. They were apparently having fun joking about such and such, and I said I missed being in the channel. His response was, oh, you're not missing much. Well, then I decide to be a bit more straightforward for him (maybe he still doesn't get it?) and just flat out tell him that I was pissed off he booted me from the channel, seeing as I made the guild, ran it, made AND pay for the web page. His response? "We needed new blood"... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Oh, but he's nice, he'll pay for the web page now.

Now, this would not be such a big deal if A) I hadn't made the guild, B) I hadn't invited him to the guild and then promoted him, or C) He wasn't a real life friend. If I had been some random officer, not the one in charge who made the damn thing, or if he was just some online friend (hard to tell who the jerks are online), then this would not be a big deal, it's just a game. But, unfortunately, this was someone I had been friends with since my very first semester at Tech 5 years ago. And what he did was really really really mean. There's no way around it, that was just callous.

Edit: Just another point to make here. The main reason I went back to playing was so I could chat with this friend since he's always on. But since he pretty much only talks in the officer channel and he banned me from it, he essentially banned me from talking with him online.

2007-06-06T14:45:00.000-04:00

Last night was bad. Doing better now, painting my finger nails.

...

2007-06-06T02:26:00.001-04:00

Depressed again. Yay... Don't want to go on Friday. Really want this to be over with. And I keep poking the area where I found the tumor (well, one of 4) above my right collar bone. I guess it's still swollen from the surgery or something, I don't know.

Ugh

2007-06-04T19:16:00.001-04:00

Stupid cancercare.org. I requested to be put on the waiting list for the Young Adults with Cancer support group. I wait about a month, finally get an email that says I'm in a group, but NOT the Young Adults one. Damn people put me in the wrong one! So... lovely... Since you can only sign up for one group at a time, I guess that means if I still want to join the right one I'll have to go back to the end of the wait list?
*insert profanities here*

Weee!

2007-06-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

My last cancer symptom has gone away! I haven't put moisturizer on my skin in a few days and it's not peeling! The itchiness has been gone for about a month now, and today I will say that the peeling, dry skin is officially gone as well. It's possible the fatigue due to the cancer is gone, but it's been replaced with chemo fatigue. So though I'm ridiculously tired, I do feel more alert than I did pre chemo.
Mmm... smooth legs.

But that's not to say I feel great or anything. Nice dark circles under my eyes and pretty much can't move during my bad week. Too tired to even watch tv. And this morning I felt really sick, which is weird, this is my good week. I suppose it's possible that it could have been from something else.

Just some jokes

2007-06-01T16:48:00.001-04:00

What's the difference between God and a Doctor?
God doesn't think he's a Doctor!

Doctor: The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have six months to live.
Patient: But, doc, I can't pay off my medical bills in six months.
Doctor: In that case, you have six months more.

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

Mmm... Scion...

2007-06-01T16:24:00.001-04:00

So I'm feeling a lot better today. At least my chemo schedule seems to be fairly consistent. I feel like crap Tuesday through Thursday, though it's beginning to sneak into Mondays now too. The aches are really annoying. They start in my cheeks, then spread through my jaw, my neck, then shoulders and throughout the rest of me. Early mornings are the absolute worst. Starting at around 4 I am pretty much writhing in pain in bed until noon. Makes for a very exhausted chemo girl, and hubby. The only bonus to all the pain and exhaustion is I'm not bored during the day anymore. Haha, very funny solution to that problem. I'm too tired and in too much pain to get depressed about my situation. For now, I'll take that. Not so bad.

Well, next week should be fun. Getting a new car! Gotta say thanks to the entire family for helping us out with it!! I'm really really looking forward to being able to go out during my good week. Let's see... what will I do... dog park, go to campus, grocery shopping, dog park, random other chores, did I mention dog park? I miss going to campus, but I really am way too weak to walk there anymore. I was hoping that wouldn't happen, but it has. Well, when I get back from DRIVING to campus I can have enough energy left over to clean! I like the apartment not looking like a giant furry mess. I cleaned it all up nicely for Frahn coming to visit last week, but since then it's gotten a bit messy again. I will clean it all up once I'm able to take the dog out without completely loosing my breath and needing to sit down after. No need to exhaust myself cleaning...

Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!

Quote

Insurance Fun

Are you male or female?

Inside

Robbed

Cuuute!!

For Better or For Worse

"Funny" Story

Woot!

Ack!

*smile*

ZELZA'S HOME!!!

Zelza

Zelza

Zelza

Zelza

Zelza

Apartment Pictures

Fritz

Where is everyone?

The dog is shedding...

Sessie

Steve McIntyre

Hair cut!

Termie

Radiation

Before and After

Definitely not alone

Plans

lol

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hair time!

WTF!

Squirrel Awesomeness

No more appendix

Hair

Stupid drivers

Woot!

Last Wednesday

Apartment Pictures

Fake Hair

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

=(

Bored

Ok

Oh joy

Looking up

Meep!

I want hairy nostrils!

Guinea pigs!

Pain

Chemo Pics

: /

New side effect

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catch up

Zelza with antlers

Quick Post

Pissed

New office

Hooray!

Tired

My love affair

Ugh

How many pills can a girl take?

Bleomycin

Awesomeness

Chemo as insect repellent?

Sad Day

...

Ugh

Weee!

Just some jokes

Mmm... Scion...

smile