Insomnia

So I'm up. As usual. Chemo continues to cause me to stay up far too late, but lately it's harder because I just can't look forward to getting up in the morning. The nights themselves don't help much either... Once I get to sleep, I'm guaranteed to wake up at least 5 times throughout the night before morning for whatever reason. And each time I have the urge to get up. Then once it actually is time to get up (usually between 11 and noon), I just don't want to do anything. This only happens on my bad week. I'm way too tired to get to campus (even if I could teleport there, I don't think I would), so all I have to look forward to in the day is sitting around by myself. I watch tv, play video games, sit by the pool, read books,... Sounds thrilling, but it really isn't.

I mean, I guess I've always been a bit shy and somewhat reclusive. I've never liked being like that, but it's just how it's been. But now that I have this lovely thing called cancer I feel even more secluded than before. I don't party, don't drink, don't have anything interesting going on... is cancer interesting? Well, I find medical stuff cool, but then, that's just me. Maybe people just don't know how to act around me now and since I always seem pretty upbeat they assume I'm just dandy. I look forward to Fritz coming home on my bad days and hope that he isn't too tired from work. It must be rough on him too, though. We no longer walk home together from campus chatting about class, games, whatever else. Instead, Fritz comes home from work and has to cheer me up. Today we went to Houston's because I hadn't been able to eat all day and suddenly had the urge for a burger. But things don't taste so good anymore to me. It's all somewhat bland now, so I end up trying to eat more thinking the next bite will taste better. I'm thinking I should give up on that otherwise I'll just gain more weight. I know for a fact I'd feel a hell of a lot better if I wasn't 20 pounds heavier than I was last summer. Bastard lymphoma!